days like this

i cant decide if i love these days or if i hate them. it's nice and cold & gray out there. i didnt think i even liked this weather-i always hated winter. but it occured to me recently that i actually love it. it suits my frosty little mind. and really, it's not even all that cold.
i decided this morning before i even left for work that i would be heading to the squirrel cage after work. i'm not sure what it means that i was thinking about beer before 7am. i dont really care. moments later i ate a piece of cold pizza and left for work.
i suppose no one in my massive readership cares that i am hosting a heavy heart. (that is ok, by the way. i've said it before, this blog is more about the writing than the reading.) although there is someone i think about (he will never read this), that isnt even what has been making me blue. the pathetic and boring truth is that i am pathetic and boring and the word "lonely" applies but not entirely in the "i'd like to make out with someone" sense. for as much time that ive spent in the past year or two embracing my solitude, the only conclusion that i've come to is that i do wish i had more likeminded friends...ok this is getting away from me.

i want to be alone. but i want to be alone with a small group of people who appreciate the solitude as much as me. i'd like to be able to hang out in a crappy bar and drink & smoke & talk about dumb shit with people who are as jaded & bitter & bored as me. and then maybe go home and undermine that boredom by making out with a cute boy. and then wake up to the next day just as refreshed and alone as i could ever hope to be.

my favorite thing is this: staying up late with a bottle of booze & a pack of cigarettes and a notebook and pavement or austin city limits. i like to put my feet out the open window and blow smoke at the treetops. during this trite session, i like to think or write about trite things: not wanting to die. missing my family. my broken heart. blah blah blah.

enough.

what else have i been wanting to blog about? Pushing Daisies has been cancelled. ive been eating more pie than usual. that is to say that ive been eating pie. i was never really nuts about it until now. but ive had a few pieces of pie recently and enjoyed all of them. thats all.

damn. i just realized that i havent left myself anything to write about tonight. that is to say, i'll come out about even.