get out of my head.

i don't know why we had to come in to work today. i have a cold, and i'd rather be sleeping. and by sleeping, i mean playing guitar hero.
i'd like to write some things today because the holiday was a long couple of days and because i feel better now than i did last week. but i'm too anxious. i can't get a real thought to formulate for two reasons: 1) i am interrupted every 32 seconds 2) there is one thing taking up all my mind-grapes.

freakout: really, though, there is nothing else to want or wish for...if i had the chance, would i even want to see how things would be? so then what? get closer and get upset when it starts to get squishy like everything else? isn't it better to look forward to a message once every four months than to have to admit that i'm not it and he's not it and it's all just crap...?? (though, i'll admit, i already know.)

no. it's fine.

anyway, blah blah blah holiday blah blah blah baking blah blah blah new years eve blah blah sandals blah 70* yesterday! blah blah blah facebook blah blah blah sneeze blah leonardo dicaprio.

You smell like beef & cheese.

The river looked really cool this morning. Steamy. It's kinda weird that I have very little interaction with the rivers in this city. I guess I grew to like living near water in Wellsburg. I liked working at the Pier, drinking and hitting golf balls into the Ohio after closing. This isn't a metaphor or anything...I'm just saying that it was nice to see some moving water again.

I got caught in the Menorrah Parade last night in Squirrel Hill. That was pretty cool. I can't imagine being that excited about something. Especially something that...annual.

I think I'm going to go watch "It's A Wonderful Life" at the Regent Theatre tonight. It's free. It's cold outside. It's almost Christmas. I watched some of it last year, but I wasn't prepared to actually feel anything. I thought it was going to be typical Christmas schlock. But when that old man started wailing on George's ear, I lost it and turned it off. This time, I will force myself to watch it. Like I wrote, the thing's already cracking... the least I can do is embarrass myself around strangers instead of people I already know...

IT'S CRACKING...

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! LEAVE IT ALOOOOOONNNNE!!!! I LIKED IT THE WAY IT WASSSSSSSS.........

I don't know why I was mad.

He's right, you know. Of course, he is.

I am pretty sure that the only way my notes will ever be published (other than this sad digital auditorium) will be if I am abducted or something. Ha.

This one is going to be a doozy.

My thumbnail on my left hand is getting ready to break. I can see the crack on the one side. It's only a matter of time now.

For a minute there, I was gung-ho about the new year. I've picked a new hobby, I was going to start some things and end some things, and it was going to be great. I'm ready for it. 2009. Here we go.

Now I don't feel like it. I can't do another year of the same. And why wouldnt it be? I used to love the symbolism of it all. A fresh start...clean slate...blah blah blah.

I know that this is where I wanted to be. This is where I insisted on living. Of course, it is. I guess I am one of those awful people who only wants what she can't have. I am happy here, well, happy as I could be. But I have to admit, I do wonder when things will change. How does "change' happen? Why would anything ever change? I don't know. This is an awful time of year.

At least it's Friday. At least he told me on Friday. I should get out of work around 3pm. That means I can have a good buzz going by the time Bob comes home. Then she can drive to the bar. I'll be ok.

I am happy Pitchfork gave Fleet Foxes it's #1 of the year. I couldnt have agreed more.

"There's nothing I can say..."

There are twelve of them...

Which one was your favorite?

Which one did you hate?


November.

October.

gooned

Bests. Worsts. Firsts.

Dead celebrity I'll miss the most: Paul Newman

Dead celebrity I won't miss at all: TIE: Donde West/ Cindy McCain
~What? She's not dead? Oh, well she looks like she would eat my brain if she could. Nevermind.

Best TV show that has been canceled but deserves to be revived for more than a minute: Pushing Daisies

Worst TV show about doctors: Private Practice

Best TV sandwich: Liz Lemon's Teamster Sub w/ dipping sauce

Best TV show that inspires me...to smoke cigarettes: Mad Men

Best Movie Creep: Ledger's Joker. Runner-up: Mr. Tamura ("Executive Koala")

Worst movie I finally watched after avoiding it for two years: Once

Best tree: the big bitch behind my sister's house. Runner-up: my Disco Charlie Brown xmas tree.

ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR
This award goes to the fucking guy (or lady) who pissed me off the most this year. Could have been an ongoing issue or an isolated incident. You've really gotta be a dick to stick out in someone's long-term memory.
Dziadzia, you take the #1 prize. I am using my nickname for this person because I dont need the headache of actual confrontation. You are such a dick, though, you'd probably love it.
RUNNERS-UP:
--dude from the bank. As I said, thanks for absolutely nothing. You shoulda been a cop.
--apartment maintenance guy. Thanks for throwing my laundry all around my fucking room when you "fixed" the air conditioner leak. Also, I wanted to tell you that i really appreciate the way you leave passive/aggressive notes all around the building. very helpful.
--my sister's old boyfriend. You're a real piece of shit.
--cab driver from that one night. You know, you could have just slowed the fuck down instead of driving like a fucking maniac. We told you she was sick. I hope your cab stunk for the rest of the weekend.
--Bitchy friends-of-a-friend. You guys are stuck up. I wish I didn't have to know you.
--Jerks-who-stood-me-up. You should know that it takes a lot for me to actually WANT to hang out with someone. I won't make that mistake again with either of you.
--Honorable Mention: I know I can't leave myself off this list. Fair enough.

Reappropriations...wait, what?

In 2007, these words meant something. Now they mean something else.

MOLLUS: (2006) I used to have a cat and a friend and we all called each other the same thing.
(2007) I miss the cat. (2008) I dont miss anything. "mollus" now refers to any furry creature. "molled" means drunk or fucked up

CREEP: I've always liked the word "creep" but this year it took on a more descriptive meaning. "Creep" refers to my favorite kind of weather...gray, cloudy, cool weather. creepy.

DARNEL: (2007) "Crabman" on My Name Is Earl. (2008) Plastic wrap.

Some other things that don't mean exactly what they meant a year ago:
Drunk
Bored
Poor
Family

Youre nice.

cool things of 08:

memento mori
avocado
Union Project
red pepper flakes
the Exchange
Squirrel Hill
Mort, my cuddly black cat
tea
Bardstown, Kentucky
the AV Club
reddish hair
skull boots
woof!
arf!
Kiew Wan
graham cracker coffee
the pregnant pause
875
Wicked
moleskine notebooks
the porch @ the Harris
271
Uno
the Pens
front row @ Billy Joel

Shut it down...

Words I heard in 2008 that I never want to hear again:

cherry chapstick
snuggie
bailout/golden parachute
suffixes "-gate" and "-tini" (ex. troopergate, partini)
addendum
"mc"anything...mcdreamy, mclovin'...
bored
NSF
voicemail
Sasha Fierce
Dziadia
bulldyke (possibly most offensive word of the year, thanks, guy-at-work)
hipster "backlash"
cordless
britcoms
Turkeyfoot
"food poisoning"
change (i love Obama, just sick of campaign crap)
6/4

"So, what do you do?"

Apparently, it is important to have a hobby. People are always wondering just what exactly other people are up to. I hate the question. I think the answer should be pretty obvious. What do I do? Well...this. THIS is what I do. I sit around and I look at things and sometimes I talk. That's about it. I keep myself pretty occupied just doing those things. In fact, at pretty much any given moment, that's what I'm doing. So, you know.

I realize that this complaint has a distinct Larry David sort of quality to it. That doesn't make it any less valid.

Here is a list of some things that I believe people spend their time doing. "Hobbies", if you will:
working out
playing musical instruments
playing video games
painting/visual arts
knitting
playing with their dog
riding a bike
cooking for fun
...of course, there could be others.


I am looking for something to do. But, really, I wish that what I already do would be good enough.

Butter

My dad works at the Land O'Lakes factory in Ohio. Although LOL makes lots of products, this particular factory is a butter factory. (I think that's pretty cool.)

The company gave each employee a case of their own butter for Christmas last year.

the barking maxist

I'm sorta tired of liking what I like. I dont really like music anymore, or going to concerts. Sometimes I think I would like to learn how to bake. I'd like to make pretty desserts. I bought a box of chocolate cake mix and a little paper can of whipped white icing. But dont worry...I know that's not really baking.

Funny thing. I dont even like sweets.

I like salty foods. Cheese & chips & tomato-y foods. Foods that give me ham hands at 3 in the morning.

I don't know why I felt the need to write down what kinds of food I like.

It's all comin' back to me nowwwwwwwwww

Yes, I do expect you to read that headline & sing it as Celine Dion. Or Katie Tetzlaw, for that matter.

Well, I have recently startled myself by using two phrases that I havent used or heard in years. I don't know why they flew out of my brain, and though I was temporarily comforted, I hope they crawl back into those dark recesses in a hurry.

If this blog was a newsletter published and distributed for all of my friends and everyone I'd ever met, about six of the readers would remember these words, the ones that have done so much belated damage.

At the exact moment my brain conjured up those words, I remembered a time and place where I was the happiest I have ever been. I remembered the faces of the young boy and young girl who would speak them and laugh. I remembered the confidence, the carefreeness, and then the carelessness with which I shattered it all.

It's just awful to grow up. It's just awful to make the mistakes that nobody else seems to make. It's so terrible to know that I wasn't wrong.

But the dreams and the nightmares still keep me awake.

I guess I am happy these things have jogged my memory. Maybe I can get some of that part of me back...even if the other part is quite gone.

camera obscura

All this time, I've been walking around like my life is almost over. but maybe it isn't.